


Is it too late?

by ZyroXandra



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Blood, F/F, Gore, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:34:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29281545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZyroXandra/pseuds/ZyroXandra
Summary: Clouds begin to move in bringing in a dark and cold landscape, rolling thunder being heard in the distance.Gripping the right side just below her ribs, feeling an ever so familiar liquid escaping the stitches that were in place.“I’m so close to getting to Jackson.”The sound of wind swaying the tree branches distracting her from certain thoughts, the only thing on her mind was Dina and JJ.“What if she has already moved on?”“Would that be the best option?”She continued to self doubt herself, losing track of what direction she was going anymore.There was a beaten worn down cabin to the right of her, drizzles of rain drenching her clothes by the second.“Fuck”- she muttered underneath her breath.
Kudos: 1





	Is it too late?

**Author's Note:**

> It has been quite a bit since the last story i have posted, i will say this though that i plan to take my time on each and every chapter. Which results in possibly longer waiting times on the next one. Yet the wait will be worth it.
> 
> WARNING (This chapter contains a PTSD Scene)

Clouds begin to move in bringing in a dark and cold landscape, rolling thunder being heard in the distance. 

Gripping the right side just below her ribs, feeling an ever so familiar liquid escaping the stitches that were in place. 

“I’m so close to getting to Jackson.”

The sound of wind swaying the tree branches distracting her from certain thoughts, the only thing on her mind was Dina and JJ. 

“What if she has already moved on?”

“Would that be the best option?”

She continued to self doubt herself, losing track of what direction she was going anymore. 

There was a beaten worn down cabin to the right of her, drizzles of rain drenching her clothes by the second.

“Fuck”- she muttered underneath her breath.

Forcing her legs to keep walking, before collapsing onto the damp wood beginning to turn into a shade of crimson. 

Pushing herself to crawl just to get inside the building as much she could, the rough winds battling against the wood sounding like it would fall apart.

Propping herself up against one of the walls, grabbing a rag and putting it in between her teeth. Undoing each of the stitches grunting in pain, trying to put new one’s in with her hands shaking.

Her vision started to tint to black, struggling to stay conscious. Keeping her mind on Dina was helping, even delaying until her whole body gave in. After the final one, she slumped to the side becoming consumed to the darkness.

____

Ellie woke up to the sound of wood crashing in front of her, pain shooting up from her leg to the rest. A wooden beam landed directly on her knee, her bone being instantly dislocated.

She tried to wiggle her leg out from underneath, to no avail it didn’t work. She kept trying over and over not giving up.

“I just have no luck.”

Finally slipping her right leg out from under the beam, sliding herself up against the wall. Her knee visibly drenched in blood, grabbing her switchblade tearing into her jeans. A clear gash just below her right knee, red thick liquid seeping out of it. Her vision becoming blurry by the second, 

“I can do this.”

“Can I really in reality?”

Everytime she would doubt herself it would just break her into pieces more and more, slowly losing her motivation to fix what she and Dina had. Thankfully there was still a small part of her, that kept her drive going.

Biting down on the rag, relocating her knee within an instant. Her screams being muffled, the pain surging all throughout her body till it became numb.

Cutting up a piece of her jeans wrapping around the gash, as tight as she can feeling more excruciating pain.

“This should do until i get to Jackson.”

A snap of a tree could be heard from the roaring winds, downpour getting worse and worse.

She chose the wrong building to hole up in, nearly losing her leg by thinking it was safe.

Ellie bent down as much as she could, slumping it against her shoulders, slowly jumping on one leg to get out of this building as fast as possible. 

No matter the weather conditions, she was not going to let it delay her any longer.

The night sky shining with a streak of lightning, having almost in a way a war within itself. Very similar to how Ellie constantly battles with the feelings she has inside of herself on a daily basis.

__

Throughout walking back, she could see the lights beaming through the darkness. Slipping on one of her shoe laces, falling down the hill until the wound on her right smacked into a stump.

Putting her arm over her eyes, seeing a beam of light facing towards her. 

“Hey, I think it’s the one girl with the tattoo. Let maria know as soon as possible.”

Her eyes feeling droopy, before fading into the darkness footsteps could be heard coming her way.

Waking up to the sound of beeping, feeling a string of needles on both her arms. One for checking her blood, while the other was to help filter antibiotics that she was in need of.

“Thankfully you found her, i need a few minutes with her.”

Maria appeared in view, giving her a caring smile mixed with sadness.

“Your wounds were getting close to being infected, especially the one on your right side just below your ribs. I didn’t think I would ever see you again, after Tommy convinced you to go.”

“Yeah, i need to get out of here to go see Dina.”

“You can’t leave until you are dismissed.”

Ellie tried getting up, shortly realizing she was strapped to the bed.

“I knew you were going to attempt to escape, so I made sure you couldn’t.”

“I feel completely fine, also why is there a bucket in front of my face?”

She gave her a questionable look her way, feeling quite dizzy with the sensation of her throat feeling like it’s on fire. Throwing her head into the bucket, her throat compulsing with a mix of green liquid and blood. Coughing after wards, with the after taste in her mouth. 

“The meds that you were given result in getting all that nasty stuff out of you.”

“Please tell me i won’t end up puking again?”

“I can’t guarantee that you won’t”

“I just need to know if Dina is doing alright?”

Sadness rolling off the end of her tongue, making eye contact with Maria.

“Yeah, She hasn’t talked to any of us. Especially Tommy, last time i saw them interact i thought she was going to kill him or something. Every conversation they have, it always leads to arguing when he keeps pushing to get them to talk more personally.”

“I definitely knew that would happen before even leaving, i still regret it cause i should have been there for her. Not just up and leave, to go and take care of my inner demons.”

“Ellie….”

Their conversation cut short from one of the nurses coming to give her some more antibiotics.

“This might knock you out, we have to give you a heavy dose so it subsides the pain. While we work on relocating your knee correctly, and taking care of any other wounds you have.”

Before she was able to speak the medicine started to kick in real quick, swaying her head side to side before letting it overtake her.

__

Her head felt like it was pounding, opening her eyes to a light flashing directly into her face. Hearing a mixture of arguing outside the door, a very familiar voice yelling at the top of his lungs.

“I need to see her.”

“She is not fit to be seen right now.”

“I don’t care.”

“She also does not need to get her blood pressure up when she sees you, and the last time you two talked it didn’t end up having a good outcome.”

He pushed one of the nurses to the side, getting stopped by Maria before going any further.

“Go back home, you might be able to see her later. I seriously doubt she would want to talk to you at all.”

“Did she even say that, or are you just saying it to stop me?”

“It’s a bit of both, heck even Dina hates you so much. Just leave them be, and maybe she will come to you after she is done here.”

“Has Dina even showed up yet?”

There was a long pause on Maria’s end, leading to Tommy’s lips curving upwards into a smile.

“She doesn’t even care about her then.”

“I sent her on a patrol before any of the news broke, she should be coming here when she gets back from it as far as i know.”

“Are you sure?”

Maria signaled for some people to get Tommy out of here, before he does any more damage than he already has.

“Are you doing alright?”

The nurse changed her facial expression to worry, not knowing what to do.

Ellie felt completely restricted, unable to calm herself down. Her arms were stuck to the armchairs, the nurse quickly got up running to go and get Maria.

Beginning to flail around, the restraints tightening against her wrists. Turning into a purplish color, her hands tensing into fists unable to even put her hand to her chest. Her chest heaving up and down rapidly, she constantly kept trying to focus just on the wall instead of letting her mind wander farther than she was willing to let it.  
__

Memory

Standing in the scattered farmhouse, light shining in through the windows. There was no sound besides the wind pushing against the house. Eliciting the cracked wood to creak, she kept trying to calm herself. Feeling the sadness, regret, as if it was smacking herself in the face. Making her realize -

“Was it really worth it?”

All of her emotions boiling over, the rough winds mixed with rows and rows of lightning kicking the front door open. Leading into the ferocious storm destroying everything around her. Except for the farmhouse.

“I’m sorry.”

“Well, I can’t go.”

“I know.”

“All right….Reckon it’s easy to forget about her while you’re sitting all comfy way out here--”  
“Hey”

“I’ll make her pay.”

“Tommy”

“That’s what you said when we got back to Jackson--”

“Tommy”

“What a joke.”

The events still spiraling around in her mind, collapsing onto her knees clutching her stomach. The walls felt like they were taking the literal life out of her, getting closer and closer by the second. 

Her breath becoming ragged, she could hear Maria’s soothing voice.

“Ellie..please come back, everything is alright.”

She undid the straps on her wrists, her arm going outwards to just grab onto someone or just anything. Her right hand connected to Maria’s shoulder, she tried to rub her arm not knowing what to do exactly.

Her chest started to breath in and out at a normal pace, slowly coming back to realization searching around her surroundings. Her eyes landing on Maria’s caring and worried expression plastered across her face.

“Ellie..”

“I’m alright….Just..”

She didn’t even want to talk about it much with Maria, that part of her she hides since she thinks people will think she’s weak or something.

“Ellie, don’t lie to me. What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it right now, just wanna rest for a bit taking deep breaths.”

Ellie hoped she would stop pressuring her into wanting an answer, thankfully Maria just nodded getting up within an instant.

“Let me know if you need anything else, you also aren’t being restricted anymore.”

Quickly leaving after making sure she was going to be alright, Ellie traced her tattoo realizing her left hand was bandaged. Moving to the end of the hospital bed, feeling the drugs kicking in. She has not felt this relaxed for quite awhile, before she could step onto the floor a nurse came in.

“I don’t think you are able to fully walk around yet, it has to heal for a little while.”

“How long do i have to wait?”

“Up to I would say a good month and maybe a week.”

“You have got to be kidding me….”

“Thankfully we do have crutches for you, so you are able to walk around as much as you can. Only thing is you have to be very careful.”

She huffed in the thick cold air,”I’ll take it.”

“Good thing is you are able to get out of here by tomorrow, those are the only orders i have been given by Maria.”

Ellie scooted back into place relaxing against the soft bed, a shiver running up her spin. She just stared at the ceiling, feeling her eyes becoming droopy letting herself completely fall asleep.

__

Bright sunlight shining directly into the tent, hearing a very familiar voice rubbing her cheek.

“Hey El.”

The soothness rolling off of that tongue of her’s.

“Hey Di.”

“I...i didn’t think i would ever see you again.”

“Same here, I didn't expect to either.”

“You were badly wounded from what I heard.”

“Yeah, i kept pushing myself to get here no matter what. Even resting on the way here, but a wooden beam landed on my right knee dislocating it.”

“At Least it didn’t break.”

She could hear a crackle of laughter erupt out of Ellie, her lips curving up into that adorable smile of hers.

Silence encompassing the both of them, the sound of keys clinking together brought Ellie’s attention towards it.

“I did go and ask Tommy for the keys to your old place, Maria suggested it after she saw what happened yesterday.”

“Thank you, i did not want to even see his face until i was ready to.”

Her breath becomes slightly shaky, feeling Dina caress both of her hands helping her.

“I have to go on a patrol soon, but i will check up on you right when i get back.”

Handing her the keys, before leaving out of the tent. The silence having a completely different feeling to it.

She wanted to just go and grab Dina to stop her from leaving, but it was going to be different than before.

“Does she even feel the same as before?”

“Is it too late to fix everything?”

The same thoughts are trailing around in her head, making her rethink everything even doubting herself more.

She just wanted to get out of here as fast as she can, luckily the nurse came in with crutches and a bottle of pills for her pain.

“Can i finally go?”

“Yeah, i will need to see you here around a week later.”

The nurse was around Ellie’s age, before giving her everything she skidded her fingers across her’s. Looking her up and down, somehow she was completely oblivious to the actions from the young woman.

Her main focus was to just get out of here, she felt like the tent was enclosing on her each and every minute.

__

What felt like hours she finally got out of the tent, finding her way back home. Everyone looked at her weird, she hated when so many people had their attention or eyes on her. The type of person she is, never enjoyed stuff like that. Always wanting to be in the background.

She skidded to a halt feeling her heart drop out of her, seeing Dina being so close with this one guy she doesn’t recognize. 

“I should have known she would move on.”

“Why did i think i could actually be with her again?”

“Even seeing JJ was no longer an option.”

Pain appearing across her features, realizing she should have known this was a possibility. Instead of constantly denying it, her eyes caught a glimpse of Dina’s getting lost in those beautiful dark brown hazelnut eyes. Before swaying her head to continue on her path, ignoring hearing her name being called to come over.

She didn’t even want to see her, “does she really mean that?”

Tears started welling up in her eyes, before continuing on her way back home.

Finally getting back home, the door creaked open with a couple of pushes. Locking her door directly behind her, laying her crutches against the small table with her clock. Helping herself onto the bed, remembering all the memories she had with Dina.

There was no way she would move on no matter what, she was fine with being alone for the rest of her life.

“Do i really feel like that..”

She muttered underneath her breath, taking in the room that needed to be cleaned. 

Throughout the night her mind kept racing, getting little to no sleep until the sun was shining through her window. 

Hearing loud knocks at her door, that were nonstop to the point of annoying her.

“Who is it?”

“Hey, I wanted to come check up on you and brought some food.”

“I don’t want to talk to anyone right now, especially…”

Thinking to herself not knowing how to even bring it up, just staring out her window hoping no one was seeing her from the garden.

“Come on El, what’s wrong?”

“Just leave me be, i know you don’t really care about me.”

“That’s absurd, why would you think that?”

“I saw you with someone else, just pretend I'm not here and carry on your own way.”

Guilt rolling off of the end of her tongue, knowing this was all her fault.

Dina didn’t even know what to say, she just stood there unsure on what to do next.

“You lied about going on a patrol after seeing me, when instead you should have told me so I didn't get my hopes up.”

Her voice with a hint of coldness, locking that certain part of herself.

“I would still love to talk to you…”

Ellie didn’t respond, tears beginning to flow down her cheeks not even wanting to be seen by anyone.

“Do i still love her?”

“It would go nowhere, even the idea of friends was not an option.”

The wound deep inside of her felt like a knife was fiddling through her heart over and over. Footsteps could be heard getting farther and farther away.

The only thing she could do was keep her distance, nearly never seeing Dina the wound still fresh never going away.

She didn’t realize until waking up later that it was late afternoon, her stomach grumbling in pain.

“I haven’t eaten at all today.”

Attempting to scoot to the end of her bed grabbing her crutches, grunting from putting pressure onto her stomach. Finally getting up to go and open the door, hoping that there would be food on the icy snow. When she made eye contact with Dina coming back, looking to the ground knowing she can’t get out of this one.

“Hey, i decided to bring some more food.”

“T...thanks.”

Taking the huge container full of food, avoiding eye contact with her as much as possible. 

The silence enveloping the both of them, making the awkwardness even worse.

“I’m glad you found someone to love by the way, and i understand as to why you did.”

“Ellie, it’s not like that. I’m still frustrated with you for leaving us, and I just don’t want to see you.”

She could not take back those words, seeing Ellie scrunch her face on the brink of crying the glass container being given back to her.

“I’m just gonna get some food at the bar.”

Locking her door, shortly after grabbing her jacket to handle the freezing temperatures. Those beautiful emerald eyes, now more of a cold steel dark green.

Paying no attention to the facial expression written across Dina’s face, nearly slipping onto a thick piece of ice regaining her composure.

She kept struggling having to get used to crutches for a good month or so, finally reaching the bar in what felt like an hour from her place to here. She could have easily taken 10 - 15 minutes if she didn’t have to deal with this.

“What would you like ma’am?”

“Can i get a liter of water, and a Bacon lettuce Tomato Sandwich, with turkey and a side of fries.”

“Yes, is that all for now ma’am”

“Yeah, thank you.”

The young guy that looked like Ellie’s age nodded his head proceeding to let them know her order.

Looking to her side out the window, she didn’t realize how bad she looked. Mentally and Physically, her body almost didn’t make it back here. 

“Should i have just turned back.”

“Make everyone think i was dead, and just i guess live my life.”

Part of her still loves Dina, but her chance to get her back wasn’t even there. It’s almost like they would have to start a new relationship, she just wants to distance herself from her for the time being.

The thought of never seeing JJ felt like a needle went right through her heart, now seeing the result of her actions having consequences between the both of them.

The night went by quickly, shortly after eating while she was getting up. Someone bumped into her, knocking her against the booth.

“Excuse you dumbass.”

“I…..uhm sorry…”

She didn’t make eye contact with the person, just wanting to get out of there as soon as possible.

Nearly slipping on ice she was caught, the scent of the person bringing her back to her senses.

“Ellie, you have to be careful.”

“I….thank you Dina…”

“Do you want me to help you get back home?”

“No, i got it...I appreciate the offer.”

She knew her stubbornness, choosing to ignore her comment by picking her up as carefully as she could. 

“I’m not taking no for an answer.”

Even though there was so much she wanted to yell, and smack Ellie for leaving them. She had to put all of that aside for now.

“Who knew that I would have to take care of you for once?”

Eliciting a slight chuckle coming from the taller girl in her arms, curving her lips into a smile. Just forgetting about all of the pent up anger she has for the moment.

Before dropping her off at her place their faces were so close to each other, Ellie being the one to step back a little.

“I appreciate the help, thanks Dina.”

Before she could say anything, Ellie was already in her place hearing the door lock. The wood bending inward, the sound of whimpering could be heard.

Dina slowly backed away making little to no sound, all she wanted to do was go and comfort her. They aren’t the same, but she’s even unsure if they will ever get back together. 

Proceeding footsteps could be heard, getting farther and farther away from the house.

Staring into the dark abyss of her room, the only light coming into the room through her window. Illuminating her bed sheets seeing each little particle of dust.

__  
1 Month Later

Feeling the rush of cold against her cheeks, turning into a slight tint of pink. All around Jackson everyone was setting up for the Holiday, some people kept trying to talk to her with a wave of her hand stopping them.

Her right knee still needs to heal, no longer in need of the crutches thankfully. FInally arriving at the medical facility, the nurse just now realized how tall she is looking her up and down.

“You still need to apply a cold pack to that area to help it ease up a little more, and would recommend to take warm baths if you are able to.”

“I’ll try my best to.”

She just wanted to get out of here, becoming completely oblivious to the other woman flirting back and forth with her.

“I’m always here if you need any help whatsoever.”

“Thank you, i appreciate that.”

Locking eyes with her, instantly catching her biting the bottom of her lip. The pieces clicking together realizing why this nurse keeps talking to her.

“You have a really hot tattoo, your cute freckles as well…” - The nurse kept muttering the hottest things to Ellie, yet the same cold stare was written across her face.

She used to enjoy getting a lot of compliments from people, until she met Dina yet who knows what’s going to happen if they are ever getting back together.

The nurse could tell she wasn’t interested, trying to pry as to why she has changed since the first day back.

“Why do you seem cold all of a sudden ?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on you can tell me, you are such a hot person with cute ass freckles, muscles…”

Ellie just stared at her wanting to get out of here as fast as possible, she was nervous enough to have to have a talk with Dina about everything.

“Fine, you are no fun.”

That little insult didn’t even faze her, the hurt just constantly building up nearing its boiling point.

What felt like hours had gone by waiting for approval to leave, she was finally able to.

Huffing in the cold air in between her teeth, looking at all the beautiful lights cascading against each building. She doesn’t even plan to do anything during this holiday, just sitting at home staring at the ceiling or maybe playing on the playstation 3 joel found her a little while ago.

The thought of being alone sends a tinge of guilt all throughout, coming to the realization that this is her one thing she has always feared.

“Hey Ellie.”

“Hey Dina, i'm not in the best of moods right now. Can we talk later like planned?”

“I have been holding it in for the past month, so you can relax.”

“I can understand, but just not right now.”

“So you just want me to put you first every single day, minute, hour, week, month, and year?”

“I’m not telling you to do that, I just want to go back home and get out of the freezing weather.”

“No, I'm sick and tired of you deciding to just up and leave us that fateful night. All you do is single handedly destroy people’s lives, relationships, just everything.”

“Just forget im even here, fuck it why don’t i just leave. No one wants me at all, I shouldn't have tried to come back here.”

“I could care less, you have hurt me so damn much that i just can’t handle seeing you walking around here anymore.”

“I shouldn’t have left you and JJ, but I had to for myself. If i communicated more, this could have all been avoided.”

Locking eyes getting lost in those beautiful hazelnut orbs, with tears beginning to brim at her eyes.

She didn’t want to argue anymore, hoping that Dina would just back off for once.

“If you want to just walk away like you normally do, then go ahead and do it.”

Freezing in her tracks, having her back towards Dina. Slowly turning around a mixture of emotions cascading across her face. She knew what was next, letting her punch her in the chest over and over. All of Dina’s rage boiling over, releasing it all on Ellie.

“I’m sorry for all the hurt I have caused the two of you, you did not deserve it at all.”

“Just imagine what i had to tell JJ the next morning, just lying to him hurt me so fucking much you don’t realize that.”

“I just hope it was worth it, and I never want to see you again Ellie. The wound is still fresh inside of me, it can not be undone nor fixed.”

A group of people started watching them, Ellie giving notice right away.

Dina grabbed her by the collar shaking her over and over, still didn’t say anything just listening to how much pain she was holding in for so long.

Staring into those cold emerald eyes, no expression being given towards Dina. 

“Just fucking get out of here, i never want to see you again.”

Accidentally pushing her too hard, falling directly onto her ass in a ditch full of snow. Some people started to snicker after seeing this, other’s a mix or worry for the taller woman.

‘You won’t see me again, just forget I ever existed.”

Standing up brushing some snow off of her, walking in the direction of her house. The rush of wind not fazing her, she just wanted to feel something besides pain.

“Should i have explained everything to her?”

“She wouldn’t understand why she did it?”

“It’s not worth the time.”

These thoughts swirling all throughout her mind, battling within herself due to the choices she previously made.

Slamming her door nearly breaking it off locking it in place, pacing back and forth trying to think of something to distract herself.

__  
The next day

The birds just now began to chirp, ruffling in her bag packing it up as much as she could. Taking deep breaths, really hoping that Maria would allow her to do this. All she needed was a break for a day or two just to clear her mind.

Quietly shutting her door trying not to alert Tommy, she could see a couple of people walking around. Some sending stares her way just seeing how she looks.

She tried to give a lot of people fake smiles, just until she got to the stables.

“Hey, Can i have a horse to go somewhere real quick?”

“Yeah, did Maria give you orders?”

“Yeah, it puts me on the same patrol path that i had a couple of years ago before the incident. She wants me to make sure that no infected are in the buildings.”

“You are such a horrible liar, since Maria does not send out anyone on a patrol during these times. It is the holidays, but I have seen other people leave or sneak out since they don’t want to be with anyone during this time. So I'll let you go, but you better be back so she doesn’t send out a group to look for you.”

“Thank you, and it’ll just be a day or two.”

__

Throughout the ride she kept having the urge to turn around, thinking what if Dina wanted to invite her over or something.

“I shouldn’t be getting my hopes up, after what happened yesterday she doesn’t ever want to see me again.”

Her voice faltering near the end, still trying to pretend she never heard that. 

“What was I even thinking would happen?”

Clouds slowly consuming the sky turning into a tint of dark- ish light gray, trails of thunder beginning to roll in. Finally getting into the Library, before the weather could get any worse.

The last time she was here, is when the blizzard came out of nowhere locking both her and Dina here for a little while. There were absolutely no regrets during any of that, she loved each and every moment of it.

Shutting the doors after getting the horse in, rubbing her hands attempting to get some warmth. 

The library seemed even more gloomy than the last time she was here, scattered books all across the floor, shattered glass being seen to the right where the generator is located.

“Do other people know this building?”

Skidding her thumb across the front desk, little particles forming in the air. The bones in the library creaked. 

“No one has been here for quite some time, I'm hoping no one else has been here besides Dina.”

She felt this odd feeling of safety within this beautiful yet gloomy building, the memories feeling fresh in her mind.

Just thinking about the happier times, bringing the ends of her lips into a curve. 

“I had it all, and destroyed it within an instant.”

Looking towards the floor resting her back against the desk, tears forming into her eyes rolling down her cheek. Creating a tiny puddle on the floor, wiping away the dust from the wood.

She couldn’t handle anything right now, the only thing she wanted to do was relax. No one could bug her, she knows Dina never wants to see her again. A knife just stabbing her heart over and over thinking those exact words, coming from her mouth.

Ellie understands the pain that she inflicted upon her, she wishes that she could just undo it.

At the farm she was miserable, slowly withering away. She barely ate at all, the thought of what if’s.

“What if Tommy never came to the farmhouse that day?”

“Would she have eventually left Dina, or just stayed for her sake.”

Every single thought trying to make herself less guilty, she deserved every single thing that came her way or coming.

Laying against the desk turning to her side, resting her backpack just underneath her head as a pillow. Looking around her surroundings before letting her tiredness take her over.

__

Dina POV

Rustling side to side in her sheets, waking up gasping for air. 

“I haven’t had a nightmare like this in so long.”

Those same feelings she has for Ellie, coming back up that were blinded by rage for so long. Sitting on the edge of the bed, putting her right palm against her forehead feeling a pulsing headache coming.

JJ was staring at her clapping his hands, wanting to grab her attention.

“You are lucky you are so adorable.”

Standing up feeling the cold ground sending a shiver up her spine, picking up JJ cradling him until hearing a knock at her door.

“You can come in.”

“Hey, we heard what happened yesterday. Did you mean all the stuff you said towards her?”

“It’s none of your business, what i said can’t be undone…”

Sadness rolling off of the end of her tongue, avoiding eye contact with Jesse’s parents.

“Honey, we can tell when you are lying. It is also very clear that the words you said affected the taller woman. There was a note on the front porch with your name on it, we thought you would want to read it.”

She handed Dina the note, while grabbing JJ from her so she can have privacy to process it.

“We will be downstairs taking care of JJ if you wanna talk.”

“Thank you.”

Opening the letter, reading her beautiful handwriting. 

The letter read,

Hey Dina, I know i messed up a lot and thought i could fix all of this. After what happened earlier today, i realized that there is no way this can be fixed. Even after hearing you say how you don’t want to see me again, I never knew how much pain I inflicted upon the people I love so much until it was too late. I’m probably not in Jackson by the time you are reading this, I just could not handle the holidays and pretend everything is alright when it is not. Technically you are going to run into me one way or the other, but i won’t bother you and just focus on myself. I’m sorry for how I made you feel, even abandoning you and JJ.  
Ellie

Tears rolling down her cheeks, not realizing how she truly felt after spilling what she has been holding in for so long.

“She’s just doing this to guilt trip me?”

Tearing up the letter into little pieces scattering it across the floor, punching her bed repeatedly. 

Ellie meant nothing to her, all of her previous feelings dissipated for the taller woman. Thinking that she would spend the rest of her life with her, when in reality the whole thing fell apart when she walked out that door.

Ruffling her sheets tossing them towards the floor, her eyes connected to the Brown button up shirt resting on the headboard.

One single button missing on the top, grabbing it pulling the soft fabric towards her smelling the scent that continually lingered on it. Part of her knows she can’t get rid of Ellie, no matter her frustrations with the taller woman. She knew deep in her heart that she still wanted her so badly, to feel her lips against hers again.

The holidays were tomorrow, but she had a feeling as to where she was at. She could set aside her feelings, and invite her over for the holidays. She kept becoming divisive within herself, not knowing what the right thing might be.

Looking back towards her mess of a room before closing her door, proceeding downstairs to ask Jesse’s parents on what she should do. All she continuously did is just conflict herself, with thinking of should she do this or that.

They must have heard the ruckus from upstairs, worry plastered across their faces. 

“I need help deciding on something, i just don’t know what to do.”

“All we can do is help you decide towards one or the other, but you two do truly care about each other. The words that you said yesterday were harsh towards Ellie, yes she may have deserved it with what you were put through. Yet she is struggling herself, and just wants to slowly get back together with you. We could tell by the letter that is now I think torn up.”

“I know she does deep down, it’s just I have bottled up all of my frustrations for so long that I can't keep them in anymore.”

“I think you know the answer to all of this, just stop creating a rift between the two of you more than it needs to be. But it would have been nice to have her over for the holiday’s, but I know you don’t want her to see JJ at all.”

“That doesn’t help me at all.”

She continued pacing back and forth, not realizing how harsh that might have come across.

“Do you know where she is at?”

“I have a feeling as to where, but…”

“Stop making excuses and make a decision.”

Part of her wanted to slap Jesse's mom for saying that, but she was right. There was no way there was going to be any changes until she stopped doubting herself, and if she didn’t just choose a choice.

“The both of us can tell how much she means to you, all you can do is grow from those mistakes in the past.”

“Thank you, i will be back later tonight.”

“Just have an honest conversation with her, and just know she is going to be a pain to get back after the words that were said towards her.”

Dina gave each of them a hug before proceeding to the front door with jacket in hand.

“Would you mind taking care of JJ until i get back?”

“Yes, we are always delighted to take care of this cute little baby”

“Thank you.”

Shuffling her feet through the snow, feeling her heart racing in her chest. 

“You better be where I think you are Ellie.”Ellie heard everything, just staring into a corner of the room. Her heart began to race, hands shaking a little.


End file.
